Maternal Mental Health Month 2024: Kriti Lodha
“I had my own stigma against what I was going through, and I had so much shame. Like, How can my brain fail me? How could I be in this position? Now I recognize it was biology and circumstances and it was not on me. Yes, there are signs, but this can happen to anyone.”
Kriti Lodha is a seasoned go-to-market leader who has built and scaled million-dollar businesses, brands and teams across the SaaS and CPG industry. She was motivated to turn her pain into passion after silently battling & surviving postpartum psychosis in the pandemic: to raise awareness, remove the shackles of shame and stigma & mobilize resources around perinatal mental health. She now serves as board member for the MA chapter of Postpartum Support International (PSI), as well as a PSI support group leader for survivors of perinatal psychosis.
This blog is made possible by a sponsorship from Sage Therapeutics, Inc. and Biogen Inc. All content on this page has been curated by the Mass. PPD Fund without input from Sage Therapeutics, Inc. or Biogen Inc.
May 2024 | Interviewed and edited by Jessie Colbert, Executive Director, Mass. PPD Fund
The Mass. PPD Fund was grateful to connect with Kriti Lodha, a postpartum psychosis survivor and advocate, this Maternal Mental Health Month. An accomplished business and branding professional, Kriti is new to the maternal mental health advocacy space but has jumped in wholeheartedly to help other moms and birthing people as a Postpartum Support International of Massachusetts Board Member, PSI postpartum psychosis support group facilitator, and partner with Boston Birth Village for this year’s Boston Climb fundraiser for PSI.
In this powerful interview, Kriti shares the circumstances that contributed to her episode of postpartum psychosis, her personal experience living through it, and the strong community and mental health resources that helped her heal. She also has compelling words of hope and wisdom for other families, and shares how, to her, all moms and birthing people are survivors and warriors.
Let’s start at the beginning. Did you have expectations about bringing home a new baby? What were your hopes and fears?
I felt equal parts elated and nervous. I always knew I wanted to have a baby. I named my daughter Naina when I was 17! But I had experienced a host of hormonal health problems since I was young. I had something called precocious puberty, I was diagnosed for that around seven or eight, followed by PCOS [polycystic ovarian syndrome]. So I sort of spent my entire life mentally preparing for, I will find a way to be a mom, but I don't know what that will look like.
I thought that potentially pregnancy wasn't even in the cards for me. And then even if pregnancy were in the cards, I knew from the beginning that it would be a high-risk pregnancy. So first and foremost, I just felt elated to continue to progress with a healthy pregnancy, and just so much gratitude to even get to that point with a loving partner, that we were building the family we wanted.
On the flip side, I was pregnant in 2020. And I delivered in early 2021, in the peak of the pandemic, and I was one of the first pregnant women to get the J&J [Johnson & Johnson COVID-19] vaccine. I got it 38 weeks pregnant. I can count on my hand the number of people who saw me pregnant – my own brother never saw me pregnant [and] we're very close. It was a very isolating pregnancy. I had a lot of fear at the time, if my husband contracts COVID, he won't be able to be in the labor and delivery room with me. I had a lot of anxiety around laboring in a mask, because I had to be masked the entire time. There were a lot of precautions that were taken throughout, and I didn't have access to the in-person mommy groups, everything I did was virtual. I think I texted with a couple close friends of mine who were pregnant also at the time, but it was a pretty isolating experience all around. It was never really a completely happy unbridled joy moment.
That must have been so hard. My next question also relates to expecting your daughter. Oftentimes we do a lot to prepare for a new baby and what they need, but not as much for ourselves as birthing people. Did you think about what you might need in terms of support postpartum?
I feel grateful every day, I have an incredible family and community of support. Coming from South Asian culture, there’s a lot of tradition around taking care of the mom. In fact, a common tradition is that your mom will come and actually stay with you for about 40 days or longer if needed, or even your in-laws will come. I did have a virtual baby shower with 80 people that came. Because of the pandemic, my parents moved in with me second trimester and we nested in a pod, just so they could be there. In fact, my mom was in the labor and delivery room with me and my partner because she was allowed – now, it was only her and no one else, I couldn't have visitors. I had a lot of infrastructure and support.
That said, no one could have anticipated [my mental health crisis]. I did not have previous mental health illness, crisis, history, known risk factors. Unknown [risk factors], who knows? There’s a lot of stigma around talking about mental health, so I don't even know if there was some history that I don't know about in my extended family. And no one would have anticipated the impact that a lot of things that followed postpartum had [on me], and ultimately led to my illness and experience. So I did not have a therapist, I did not have support groups. I did not have the infrastructure that I ultimately needed, and got later on, to help get me the support that I actually needed through my own motherhood journey.
Let’s turn to your mental health journey. What happened when your daughter was born and afterwards?
My hope for Naina was that she would come out healthy: she did. I had some of the best health care in the country, living in Massachusetts. But looking back, everything was quite traumatic. My labor and delivery – again, in a mask, in the pandemic – lasted 46 hours and 16 minutes. My water had actually been broken for about 30 hours, so I had to go from a doctor's appointment directly to the hospital.
The labor experience was tough. I had amazing providers, but my epidural didn't stick, and then I had to go to the OR for a couple hours after the intensive labor, just to deal with some postpartum injuries. I didn't even get skin-to-skin really, I just kind of got wheeled off after 46 hours of laboring in a mask. Now looking back, I probably had a traumatic birth.
When we brought Naina home it was lovely, but she had challenges feeding from the start. I did feel a lot of internal pressure to continue breastfeeding, even though she had a really tough time. Feeding was awful, like, took hours and hours on end. She was healthy in most of her checkups, but about two weeks in, that was the turning point. We had gone to the pediatrician, and she had lost a third of her body weight. We were told we had to wean instantly, which can have a lot of impact on the woman's body. What I didn't know is that it is really traumatic for women's mental health as well.
I had to immediately wean her the same day my partner went back to work. Even though my mom was there, I believe that's when my manic symptoms started. I forgot to disclose: I'm a postpartum psychosis survivor. I can say that now.
For about four days I did not sleep. I had a lot of anger and rage towards my mom, who was there with me, and even my partner when he was home. I was writing profusely, I ruminated – that’s a common sign when you're in a manic episode, and eventually what became my psychotic episode. Interestingly – it’s both tragic and beautiful – my instincts in my mania were, I kept diagnosing myself. I was telling my family members, I have the baby blues, I have postpartum depression. I have emails I'd written to family members, to my friends who are healthcare providers, saying, Here are the 10 things I'll do to take care of my mental health: I will take walks. I will find a therapist. . . What I now realize was a cry for help.
One of the things that also happens with psychosis is paranoia. So in my paranoia, I thought that me and my partner were both unfit to parent. And so not only at one point did I call 911, believing that we both weren't well – what I now know was a panic attack – I was actually arranging for family members that could come and support and help parent my child. I was problem solving, that's who I am. In my mania, I had all the confidence in the world I was trying to be the mom I knew I needed to be.
What was your family’s reaction? What happened next?
All my family members were trying to do is get me to sleep – they thought that's why I wasn’t well. They're like, Oh, she's just overtired. One of my cousins, who’s a psychologist, I called her up to talk to her, I didn't have a therapist. Again, I had an amazing community that played such a big role in saving my life. I had an incredible OB at the time, she changed and saved my life. Ultimately, my family, my partner, my OB in particular, made the decision to send me to the emergency room at Beth Israel.
I was in the emergency room for about 48 hours, and then transferred into Beth Israel's inpatient psychiatric facility for about a week. So all in all about 10 days of hospitalization, separated from my partner, my child. I had no sense of myself, I was completely out of it. Ultimately, I had amazing healthcare providers who would not discharge me without a psychiatrist in tow, who was a wonderful provider who helped me through my recovery. With the right treatment, the right medication to get me out of it, I'm proud to be recovered, medication-free, and in the place I'm at today.
I had the luxury of going to one of the few outpatient programs in this country, in Rhode Island at the Day Hospital. That actually allowed me to be with my child when I started to be on the path to recovery. What followed was a long road to recovery with my community, initially medication, and then really having a phenomenal therapist, who I still see to this day, who specializes in this period, who really, really helped me recover.
That’s amazing. I’m curious to hear more about what it was like to kind of “come to” after an episode like the one you had, and anything else you can share about your recovery?
Psychosis is a medical emergency; you are not fit to parent because you cannot understand the separation between reality and what's not reality. My biggest way of understanding [when I started to get better] is looking at my texts, and about four or five days in, my texts felt a little bit more lucid. It was really trusting my partner and my providers. [At first] there was a lot of me feeling like, When can I get back to my family? There’s a little bit of distrust in the system. I think the switch for me was when I started trusting the process.
And then it was really the strength that I got from my daughter, and the love that I felt for my daughter, that kept me going. I still have the photos from the week I was away from her. You only got your phone, you only got fresh air through a barbed wire, literally for one hour a day. And I remember going into the fresh air and just seeing a photo of my daughter and my dog. I have vivid memories of that one photo. That got me through it, that’s when I was able to kind of understand and trust, where it shifted.
I think oftentimes when it comes to motherhood, we put too much onus on the mom or birthing person to deal with their mental health crisis. In this situation I could not – I was not of sound mind. My mom was a night nurse to my daughter for the first few months of her life because I needed to sleep, that was part of my brain healing.
I had my own stigma against what I was going through, and I had so much shame. Like, How can my brain fail me? How could I be in this position? Now I recognize it was biology and circumstances and it was not on me. Yes, there are signs, but this can happen to anyone. It's treatable as well, that’s what's really powerful about it.
Is there any advice you’d give to other parents who might go through this? What do you wish you had known?
Knowledge is power. I don't think my partner, or my family members, or even my provider knew what this was. I wish I had even known the risk factors. I wish I had known that up to one in five birthing people or moms will experience some form of perinatal mental health disorder. I wish I'd known that these disorders disproportionately impact people of Color. And then I wish I knew it was a spectrum. In my head, it was like, Am I depressed? [Do] I feel isolated from my child? [Do] I have thoughts of self-harm? Those are the things that I had been indoctrinated to understand, so anything that fell outside of that was sort of an unknown.
I went back to my discharge packet from the BI [Beth Israel], and I was very curious: did I have any education [about Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders]? And in the 30 pages of everything, from lactation to postpartum hemorrhage and all the resources, there was a one-pager that had the major perinatal mood disorders, including postpartum psychosis. Ironically, there was a bullet point linked to Postpartum Support International of Massachusetts, which is now the Board I’m on.
Whether you're a birthing person, a partner, or a supporting family member, educate yourself. It can happen to you or someone you love. We owe it to the moms and the birthing people in our community – whether it's our daughters, our sisters, our friends – to notice and to share this. It’s really hard to advocate for yourself, again, I felt so much shame. But as long as you get the right care at the right time, mothers and babies are resilient.
Yes, absolutely. What has it been like for you to be more open about what you've been through and get involved with other activists?
Equal parts liberating and terrifying. While I would not wish this experience on anyone, I firmly believe that going through what I went through is exactly what was meant for me, to be the mom that I am today. For someone who was ripped apart from their child, their family, never knowing if they would see them again, never knowing if I could trust my brain or my body again, I feel so much gratitude. There was a village of people to support my daughter and she was okay.
In terms of advocacy and getting involved, until a few months ago, not only had I not come open with my diagnosis, I had also never interacted with anyone else who had postpartum psychosis or really was deep in this space. So doing this work is so healing for my own journey. It's that classic expression of turning pain into purpose. I do think the only way we can destigmatize and remove shame is being a beacon of hope and faith. As a PSI Board member and support group leader, as a postpartum psychosis survivor, as a woman of Color, as a daughter and a partner who's representing my family and community, I recognize the responsibility of me having this conversation. If I can help even one person or one family feel seen or not suffer in shame or silence, it's worth it.
I think the other piece of [sharing my story] is for my daughter. It’s my own mission and mantra to model the importance of advocating for yourself, advocating for your mental health, advocating for other moms. And never apologize for taking care of yourself.
It's just been so liberating to have this part of my identity that I buried for so long – outside of, you know, a few handful of friends and therapy – [recognized], and really heartwarming. Most of my friends and family didn’t know about this until the world knew about this. The kindness and generosity that people have showed me has really been a form of healing as well.
What do you think are people's misconceptions about postpartum psychosis? What would you most like people to better understand?
If anyone wants to educate themselves, PSI has a great page and resources on postpartum psychosis. The most important thing is to recognize the signs. I think many people don't even know what postpartum psychosis is. A lot of people don't even think about perinatal mental health disorders, and even if they do, they oversimplify it to depressive-type symptoms. There’s not enough screening, and even the screening typically tends to be very focused on depression.
I had the opposite of what someone would imagine a postpartum [mental health] experience. I was extremely confident, I was on top of the world, I was super productive. I do think that the mood swings can fluctuate, and so know that you're not just looking for lows, you're also looking for potentially those highs, and especially not sleeping. Like, me not sleeping for four days straight is a problem. I also think [it’s important to] understand risk factors.
There's a lot of narrative and sensationalizing around what postpartum psychosis is, so even if you were to Google it, the stories that people choose to magnify can be even more stigmatizing or traumatizing for people like me. While it is a medical emergency that likely might require hospitalization, it is highly treatable. And the majority of people who experience it are not harming themselves or anyone else. That’s one of the myths I'd want to dispel.
And timing is key. It is very easy to sit here and give myself a pat on the back and vilify someone else. But my story might have been very different if I didn't have all the right pieces at the right time. I would love to spend more time and energy to work on the infrastructure to make sure that more people have stories like mine. Because while they might not be able to prevent psychosis, they can certainly treat it.
I also think it's really important not to put people in a diagnosis box; people are not defined by their diagnosis. There's a lot of post-traumatic grief and loss for someone who's experienced psychosis. It is one of the most terrifying experiences, and so I think finding ways not just to educate yourself on the symptoms, but on what you can do to support someone who's impacted by this and help them remember what it means to be whole again. As my therapist put it, it's like you had open heart surgery and no one knew about it! And giving yourself grace I think is important. You're allowed to feel all those things.
Do you think of yourself as a “survivor”?
I believe that any mother or birthing person, or however that person finds their path to parenthood, is a survivor – regardless of a diagnosis that's attached or not attached to it. Motherhood has all this glory and storytelling around it, and the reality is: mothers, birthing people are warriors. They're all survivors. And we're all in this together. Just acknowledging that is power; awareness and acknowledgement is a form of advocacy. Anyone out there who's seeing this story: you're a survivor as well, and don't ever let anyone make you feel otherwise.
Support Kriti and Team Boston’s Climb
Kriti is thrilled to expand her scope with PSI and partner with Boston Birth Village to lead The Climb for Team Boston this year: the world's largest event raising awareness and funds for perinatal mental health disorders. Help support the mental health of new families through donations, sponsorships or join us in person at our Climb fundraising walk on Sunday, October 27th 11AM-12:30PM at 60 Stein Circle in Newton MA. Learn more on how to get involved here.