Stefanie Poole
“We need to have a plan around who's on our team, who can we talk to, so you can see where the gaps are as a preventative measure. That's why I created Mumma Bees, which is a peer support program for moms who struggle with mental health issues. It’s that validation and knowing that, you know, I'm here, and you’re gonna get through it. And you’re not alone.”
Stefanie Poole is a counsellor, educator consultant and non-profit founder who combines her many years of experience within the mental health field to bring birthing families innovative, holistic support with a specialized focus on mental and emotional health and wellbeing. She is the founder of Kindred Clubhouse and Mumma Bees & Co.™, which offers birthing families peer support and a hive to thrive. She is originally from Boston. MA but now resides on the Mornington Peninsula Vic Australia with her husband, son, and fur babies.
This blog is made possible by a sponsorship from Sage Therapeutics. All content on this page has been curated by the Mass. PPD Fund without input from Sage Therapeutics, Inc.
July 1 | Interviewed and edited by Jessie Colbert, Executive Director, Mass. PPD Fund
Did you have expectations about bringing home a new baby? What did you think it would be like? What were your hopes and fears?
I expected that I would enjoy the newborn phase of being a mum. I wouldn't say I didn't enjoy it, but it was definitely more difficult than I anticipated. I’ll tell you what I didn't expect: postpartum depression and anxiety. Honestly, I thought that I would somehow avoid that.
I guess I probably was naive in the sense that I thought I would just be like, This is amazing! And you know, I love having this newborn baby that I don't even know how to take care of. And I think being in the mental health field, I thought that I had the knowledge to, like, see the signs and symptoms of becoming a bit unwell. But because it was happening to myself, I couldn't see those things as clearly. So I think that caught me off guard.
Oftentimes when a baby is born, parents have plenty of support for the baby, but not a lot of support for themselves. Did you feel like you had people looking out for you?
I had support. But I think that the mental and emotional side of that support was missing. I was getting practical support. I was really fortunate. But [I needed] just someone to kind of sit with me and let me cry, and hold the space of what it feels like to just not be feeling good. I mean, I might have had one or two people, like my husband, but even they didn't really know what to do. And setting boundaries around what it is that I actually needed. No, I don’t want you coming over right now, or being very clear about what I was asking for – because people want to help, but I think they just don't know what to do in those moments.
You know, I'm here in Australia and I'm really grateful for my husband and his family here, but it's different, and I think I underestimated that. So if you are in another country or even another state and your family’s not right there, that can be a risk for you. I didn’t even think about that.
Tell me about your journey with mental health challenges around your new baby. When did you realize something was “not right”? What turned things around for you?
I think, like, from the beginning of my birth. I had a traumatic birth experience. I probably didn't quite realize the impact that that had on me. And then I had physical issues after the pregnancy because of the way that he was born. I think that I was so focused in on the physical side of it – I was having appointments and different things for myself and for him – that my mental health was slowly going downhill. It was probably six months after where I started to feel a bit [better] physically, and then everything just really hit me in terms of what I'd been through. By then my husband was obviously way back to work. Everyone just thought that I was probably managing. And I would say it was probably eight or nine months where I realized I needed some help, and it was about a year by the time I actually got the help I needed.
I was crying a lot. I was really anxious. But for me, the turning point was [when] I felt like I couldn't care for him on my own. I was so overwhelmed that I was like, how am I supposed to care for a child when I'm struggling and I just want to stay in bed and, you know, not do the things I need to do as a mum? But then it quickly turned into more obsessive-compulsive disorder [OCD]. It’s not something that we normally hear about as much. I started getting really worried about things that sound silly when we say it, but I think are important to discuss because if someone's reading maybe they can identify with it.
For example, I was worried about contaminants in our home. You know, what if he's eating lead paint if we have that in the house? There was a bit of paint chipping, and I would go around and tape it. That was a compulsion. After a while it was so strong, it was like I had to do it and it’s going to be hard to hide. I also had a very heightened sense of smell, so I remember thinking of, like, mold in our house, and somehow we were going to die. I couldn't handle it to the point where I would drive around in the car with him and not even want to go home because I was afraid that our house is somehow killing us. I think that was a turning point. It was almost verging on delusional.
My husband was the one that was like, I'm really worried about you. And my family is in the US, I'm in Australia. So he told my mom that he was worried and I think once I realized that they were having a conversation I was like, I think I need to be doing something. I need to see a psychologist or a counselor, I probably need to get medication. I got a referral from my doctor to go to a psychiatrist. I was very fortunate that I could do that.
And then I was scared to take this pill that, you know, what if something happens to me? I said to [my psychiatrist], What if I feel worse? And he said, But what if you feel better? I just sat there for a second, and I’m like, What am I doing? I would take a medication if I had a heart condition or diabetes. Get over this ego that my brain is somehow needing help. I would say without that medication, I don't know what would have happened. I needed that medication to help me come out of that fog to actually do the work to feel better.
Counseling also helped me talk through some of the issues and the struggles that I was having, and [family] support. I had my husband's family here and my mom and sister in America, I would call them every day. They were always there for me. And that really, really helped.
Looking back, what do you wish had gone differently? How can we do better in general to prevent experiences like yours?
We need to be looking at these signs or symptoms, or just checking in with families for the [whole] first year. I mean, after the first six weeks no one really asked me what was going on. I think that the screenings aren't consistent, and I was good at faking it, Yeah, I’m good most of the time. If you’re not asking it over a period of time, you might not see the progression of what’s actually happening.
In Australia, we have maternal health centers, so I did go to the nurses there, and I told them that I was struggling. I just think that people didn't know what to do with that information. I think the training around mental health for different health care providers [is critical]. If someone says they’re struggling, or even they’re suicidal or they’re having scary thoughts, what do you actually do? If you don’t know where to send people, like, how are you going to help them?
We need some mental wellness planning. That wasn’t in my birth classes. The birth is absolutely so important, but we are going to be parents for a long time after that! It’s like, great, I got through the birth and now what?! We need to have a plan around who's on our team, who can we talk to, so you can see where the gaps are as a preventative measure. That’s not to say that you're never gonna get depressed or that nothing's going to happen. Also looking at, you know, expectations of those around you, what they can give you and what they can't give you. I think I was expecting people in my life to give me certain things that they just could not provide.
That's why I created Mumma Bees, which is a peer support program for moms who struggle with mental health issues. I just wanted to talk to someone who wasn't my family sometimes, who I could call at any time and be like, Listen, I’m just on the floor crying right now. They get that feeling of being that sad or whatever it is, but they don't have to fix it. It’s that validation and knowing that, you know, I'm here, and you’re gonna get through it.
I just really want to get across that it’s okay to talk about these things. If anyone’s reading this who’s pregnant, just please think about your mental and emotional health, because I really wish I spent more time thinking about that. Our mental health and our physical health and our feeling good is the most important, because if we're not well, we're not going to be able to care for our child.
And you’re not alone. And the more people that share and say things, I think you realize, I was never alone. But in those moments, you can feel really alone. Just know there’s people out there who care and try to find them.
Do you identify as a “survivor”?
I would say, not anymore. I feel like I'm more of a thriver! Survivor, yes, I’ve come through it. But now I've progressed into overcoming certain things and being able to give back. I mean, everyone has up and down days, but I am really flourishing and thriving. I think that you can go beyond just that survivor piece, and push yourself to get a little bit further into thriving.
To connect with Stefanie, please visit: www.stefaniepoole.com • Instagram: @the_stefanie_poole @mummabeesandco