Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month 2022: Stephanie Crawford
“For me, the feeling of grief was so overwhelming. We gotta get rid of this, like, We don’t talk about it, and it’s not a big deal, shhh and just move on thing. That's what caused me to want to do more.”
Stephanie Crawford is a Boston Public School Kindergarten teacher with a masters from Lesley University in Moderate Disabilities, and a PhD student in Early Childhood Leadership and Policy at Umass Boston. She is the owner of Belle Joie Doula services and is an active community organizer, trainer, advocate and consultant.
Stephanie founded the non-profit Propa City Community Outreach in 2011 to assist mothers impacted by pregnancy loss along with their families and friends. She founded the organization after her son Simeon Jelani was stillborn on February 7, 2011. She named the grief support program Team Simeon in honor of her son and gave it the tagline “Because He STILL was BORN.” The success of this initiative led to its expansion to include people of all ages being trained to advocate for positive healing in themselves and in their communities.
Stephanie is the mother of baby angel Simeon and rainbow baby Amani. She is the godmother to 18 beautiful children, a daughter, granddaughter, sister, aunt, cousin and friend. She has made it her mission to be a light to souls who feel lost using the purpose and skills that God has given her.
This blog is made possible by a sponsorship from Sage Therapeutics. All content on this page has been curated by the Mass. PPD Fund without input from Sage Therapeutics, Inc.
October 2022 | Interviewed and edited by Jessie Colbert, Executive Director, Mass. PPD Fund
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and we are proud to feature Stephanie Crawford, Founder of Propa City Community Outreach. Stephanie shares the story of the loss of her son Simeon Jelani, and how she turned her pain into purpose through Propa City. She and her organization have supported hundreds of Boston moms over the last decade, as well as led the way for better treatment for families facing loss. The Mass. PPD Fund is grateful for Propa City’s ongoing partnership, most recently as a leading coalition member of the Massachusetts Mind the Gap State Policy Series and as a key contributor to our annual Flourishing event.
Can you share what happened when you lost your son Simeon, and how you were inspired to transform that pain to help yourself and other moms?
When I was 39 weeks pregnant, my baby stopped moving. I called the hospital after waiting all day, trying to figure out if I was going crazy or not. They said, you know, try to eat ice cream, and [other things] to do. I told them I tried all those things, so they said to come in. They did the normal ultrasound check, and I could tell that something was going on. Then the doctor came in and they told me that my baby did not have a heartbeat.
They gave me the option to go home and wait until I went into labor, or to deliver the baby that day, and I chose to deliver him that day. I remember having an anxiety attack with every contraction, feeling like I couldn't breathe, like I was dying and voicing that a lot. Everything was kind of a blur. I was going natural [labor] at the time, and I remember getting the reminder that the reward wouldn’t be the same, so if I chose not to go natural it would be okay and beneficial. So I went that route, which was much better. I got to kind of rest and sleep.
Then I delivered Simeon. I was very afraid to hold him. I kind of stared at him for a while, and my mom encouraged me to hold him. I did hold him and I was happy I did. My family and I got time with him, we took pictures and all that stuff.
When I got home I was ready to go under the covers for the rest of my life. [My friend] LaNette was really helpful in being there for me. She had to come one day and remind me, like, there's still things you have to do. There was the whole process of like, funeral or no funeral, burial, cremation. And that was really hard because I didn’t have money at the time. I was 23 when this happened, I left my job to have Simeon and I was going to go back after. After we did all that stuff, I remember sitting on the couch looking at her and saying, I can't believe this happens to people! I want to help people because this was such a crazy process.
How did Propa City start?
At the time I had an event planning business called Propa City Event Planning. And I heard that you could have a business but then, like, sometimes you have a nonprofit version of your business. So that's where the name came from. I did a lot of stuff not knowing – just Googling and doing. I chose to work in an early childhood center with infants because I love children. But sometimes it really triggered me. So on my break at work, I would [work on the nonprofit] to kind of center myself.
Every time we heard that someone had a loss, we would send them a gift bag. And then we wanted to have groups, but we weren't getting anyone to come. Because this was very soon after my loss, people were still asking me, like, Oh, how’s the baby? I would explain to people, you know, My baby passed away. And learning how to explain that without crying, without having to care for the person that's asking you.
So many women were like, Oh, that happened to me. The most shocking thing wasn't the amount of people that said it happened to them – that was number two. Number one was how people were kind of like, Oh, yeah, yeah. Are you gonna have another one? I was ready to end it all right now, that was real! That's what caused me to want to do more. We gotta get rid of this, like, We don’t talk about it, and it’s not a big deal, shhh and just move on thing. And I realized that it was more in my community, because the loss group I was going to was at the South Shore Hospital. It’s a great program, but for me as a 23-year-old, single Black woman sitting around the table with all white married couples, although there were some things that I could relate on, it just felt different.
What helped you heal, and what has helped others you serve through Propa City?
For me, the feeling of grief was so overwhelming. I felt myself getting, like, deeper down into this dark space. I had a lot of support, but when things are swirling in your head, there's no one that can come into your head and say, Oh no, not that. So I started journaling. Because then it put [my feelings] somewhere. We are big on journals – that’s one of the first things we give people.
The other thing that helped me was I had a therapist who told me it's okay to be selfish. I'm not a selfish person, so I had to really practice that! When people invited me to baby showers and stuff, and I did not want to go, having that permission to decide what's best for me first. And that's how I navigated so much, even to this day.
It was also how I navigated deciding that I wanted to celebrate his birthdays. And I didn't care what anyone thought – because people really thought I was crazy! We would sing to him, and we would just have a good time, because I knew where I could go when I’m sad and getting deeper into darkness. I wanted to celebrate the life that he did have that was connected to me. I remember having a birthday party at Roller World one time, and the woman was like, And, so the birthday person. . .? And I was like, He’s actually not here, he passed away. She’s like, So, you still want the cake?! [Laughs] My family and friends every year around his birthday they’d start being like, What are we doing this year? Everybody was excited about it. And that transformed into the Remembering Simeon Gala.
Can you share more about what Propa City does? And just in general, how can people find healing and support after pregnancy and infant loss?
We have support groups, we're transitioning into in-person. They're just a space to talk through what you're going through or what you're feeling with no judgement. And every time someone either registers themselves or someone refers them, or we hear [they’ve had a loss], we send them a care package – free of charge and no commitment. There's a handwritten letter from me in the front, a little angel bear, a coloring book, and then some other things depending on what people donate to us. It’s like, if you want to connect, here are the ways.
We do a hearts release in conjunction with an organization called Still Birth Day, just to honor the babies every year in October. And then we have different events throughout the year. All of that I feel like is a part of healing – having continuous places to honor your child, having the space to talk where people understand, even if you’re just talking about the regular day. Having support is part of healing, too. Having someone who is there for you, whether it’s a family member or someone in the hospital that stays connected to you.
We also do a lot of talks and presentations for hospital staff so they can understand how to really support families and not be unintentionally insensitive. Let [families] know that you hear them – you may not understand but you’re with them. And then, the words that you say. Maybe saying, Hey, this is a tough day for you. Is there anything that I can do to support you in this moment? Finding a way to introduce the paperwork and not just make this family feel like, Hey, we’ve got to get this done and you’ve got to get out of here. Because that is how they feel. And the same thing on site when the loss is happening in labor and delivery. Slowing down the room a little bit.
We’re very needs-based, too, so whatever you come in needing – we can’t do it all, but we can help you connect and find the resources. Because I found that that was one of the hardest things for me and for our moms. Like, you kind of know what you need, and sometimes you don’t, but then you don’t even know how to reach out. And if you did, you can’t. You’re tired, you’re sad.
Let’s talk about pregnancy after loss, since I know it can be really hard and complicated. Can you share your own experience, as well as any recommendations about how we can support other moms in that situation?
I had a doula when I had Amani and that was one of the best investments I’ve ever made on my motherhood journey. She was someone I could just call with those anxieties. Is the baby moving? Did I feel something weird? Should I call the doctor or not? There’s someone that can say, Let’s process through this. They help you emotionally prepare the whole time, from when you get them until you deliver, and even after. My doula went with me to appointments. Then after you get information that you don’t really understand, and you’re freaking out – because your innocence is lost about this – you can process with someone.
In the postpartum, same thing – having someone there for you. For me, I was happy to have [my baby] but I was also so anxious. Like, if I go to sleep, he might die. And this is me, someone who has been doing this work for eight years! I automatically went right back into that space. Having someone there to say, I know what you're thinking, and address it right away. Because otherwise people are just smiling.
People would say, Aren’t you so happy? Aren’t you so excited? Those are two words that you don’t necessarily feel, and so being able to replace them. I learned to say, Thank you for being happy for me. I’m not always happy. I’m anxious, I’m worried, I’m scared. I’m freaking out every single day. But I’m filled with gratitude. I’m filled with joy as well. We’ve worked with moms and have been able to help them with, like, what words do you want to say and what don’t you like. Feeling empowered to advocate for themselves in that way.